(obsessed w this picture btw)
Square chiseled jaw, a hunky, stoic demeanor, an aptitude for sports and getting money… these are the stereotypical qualities of the alpha male. Strength and prestige were — and for many men, still are — the surefire way to attracting the “female” species. But in today’s changing political landscape, with its unconventional liberated women and their dionysian tastes, the true alpha is not who we may expect. To the horror of men who dwell on macho grindset channels and make their moves in silent isolation, today’s alphas don’t stand out as paragons of masculinity; rather, “femininity” has become the ultimate asset on the straight-male social ladder and offers an interesting lesson in the value of liberation from harsh gender roles.
There has always existed a male archetype of the charming, suave metrosexual. The peacock, whose vanity bordered on the effeminate but never on the homosexual, and always good with the ladies. In this archetype, a degree of “feminine” sensibility is the key to his appeal. The same exists today but to an even greater extent: due to relaxed and progressive social attitudes towards sex and gender expression, men can take their full feminine self expression to new levels. Many women flock to the feminine straight man — his canvas tote bag and catboy jokes pacify him and elicit a feeling of commonality, inspiring greater camaraderie and comfort. What do I know about buying stocks and Premier League football? Although the feminine straight man may still enjoy buying stocks and football, he can glide easily between worlds. This is perhaps comparable to the appeal of the gamer girl or the “cool girl” so brilliantly described in Gone Girl, but without the misogynistic, girl-bashing overtones.
So guys and girls can be friends — that’s old news. You might be thinking, “What is this regressive nut going on about? But whether we are queer or straight, boy, girl or neither, simmering in our psyches is a heterosexual understanding of reality, of status quo. To no one is this reality more acute than to the macho men.
This leads us back to the feminine man, who attracts more true female friends than his masculine peers. Even if the majority of these friendships remain platonic and genuine, the optics glaringly (and hilariously) mirror the traditional dynamics of some emperor with his harem, some gang leader with his hoes. His amassing of female friends is a flagrant display of social capital: he receives female attention and thus “asserts his dominance” over other straight men who live relatively gender-segregated lives. In today’s society, the true emasculate man is the traditionally masculine man who doesn’t have female friends.
Meanwhile, feminine straight men indulge shamelessly in the spoils and attention of pretty young women at the low cost of baseline cultural fluency in women’s affairs: pierced ears, painted nails, effeminate slang, a peppy attitude. Effeminacy, once seen as a man’s weakness, is now a way for men to unlock a realm of new possibility and status, both in terms of their social lives and their liberated self expression. This cunning dichotomy ironically makes the feminine straight man the ultimate alpha male.
The social success of a more “feminine” man makes an excellent case for the benefits of positive masculinity. Because truly what is feminine? The stereotypically feminine traits I’ve ascribed to the “feminine straight man” are truly just signs of a liberated, self assured and artistically curious individual. When the rigid walls around men enforced by sexism, homophobia and invulnerability come down, a person ironically thrives and makes themselves arguably more attractive.
Some men naturally don’t take interest in their “feminine” side and that is perfectly fine. But if there exists in young men a fixation on attaining sex and asserting social dominance, the solution will never be found bitterly and obsessively conspiring against the female “enemy”; it is rather to embrace the “enemy” wholeheartedly and emulate her spirit. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all.
Thank you so much bc I feel this so deeply. Like so few are talking about how these “in touch w their feminine side” (low key queerbaiting in my experience) are just doing it to attract women’s attention, just in a more roundabout way. To me, depending on the motive, it feels just as insidious.
I appreciated the point made here because it was kinda only half baked in my head. I really enjoy how you articulate your opinions. Regarding men’s relationship with masculinity, I think it’s more complicated though. Your theorising seems to me an accurate study of many white ‘modern men’ who live/grew up in the West.
Your theory does apply to me in some ways, but my more effeminate and positive form of masculinity isn’t even close to being primarily motivated by wanting a better chance with women. I’ve moved from the UK where I grew up to a former British colony that my parents are from. The conservative society has more influence over people, even the most radical leftists, so I’m not making myself more appealing to women here.
My reimagining of masculinity is an unlearning of the internalised homophobia within British imperialism that’s eradicating effeminate aspects of my colonised culture; it’s also me distancing myself from patriarchal violence, abuse and emotional numbness I’ve faced as a man; and lastly it’s an exploration of my sexuality. I think it would help to think more globally and to take in decolonial perspectives on these matters.